


Hamlet, Apocalypse Daddy and Alice, aged 4

by ApocalypseDaddy



Category: Hamlet - All Media Types, Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:29:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypseDaddy/pseuds/ApocalypseDaddy
Kudos: 1
Collections: Shakespeare





	Hamlet, Apocalypse Daddy and Alice, aged 4

ACT I

SCENE I. Apocalypse Castle. Balcony. A balmy spring night

Apocalypse Daddy at his post, drinking nightcap. Enter stage left Alice

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Halt, Who goes there?

ALICE

Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Unfold myself? I shalt not stand, Long live King Daddy.

ALICE

Daddy t’is you?

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Tis’ he.

ALICE

You come most carefully upon your hour. Do you have crisps upon you?

APOCALYPSE DADDY

‘Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Alice.

ALICE

For this relief much thanks: but I is not tired master, I need crisps and story.  
And I am sick from sugar. Do you have savoury treat?

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Enough. Tis quiet yonder, your foolish bartering work not. Why for not you sleep?

ALICE

Not a mouse stirring Daddy, just monster under bed, in cupboard.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Well, good night Alice.  
If you do meet Monster under bed or bad dreams,  
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.

ALICE

I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Daddy, Who’s there?

Enter APOCALYPSE MOMMY

“Thy life’s a miracle.” – King Lear

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Friends to this ground tis I. My, sweet Alice, what doest thou up at this hour?

ALICE

Thous dost protest Mommy, my dreams dost not come, lonely ist thou night. Need hug and story. And perhaps ice cream.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Give unto you good night kiss. But no cornetto.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

O, farewell, honest Alice, tis but games.  
Who hath taught you as such?

ALICE

Only thou Daddy. Mommy doth given me blessings for sweet night.  
Give you good night.

Exit  
Getting into character

Five minutes later. On Balcony Apocalypse Mommy and Apocalypse Daddy rest.

ALICE

Holla! DADDY! MOMMY!

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Jesus,  
What ist thou, is Alice there?

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

‘Tis surely her. My heart beteath so.

ALICE

Welcome, Mommy. Welcome, good Daddy.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

What, has this thing appear’d again to-night? You dost not sleep as normal child?

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

I have not but never seen it.

ALICE

Daddy says Frozen ’tis but our fantasy,  
And will not let it go, let it go.  
But alas no, this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:  
Twas not the music which bewitch you so,  
That if again this apparition come,  
It was, make no mistake, the Gruffalo.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

The Gruffalo? Tush, tush, ’twill not appear, ‘tis but games. Now for bed young Alice.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Do ast your father ask young Alice;  
Rest deep within your comfortable palace,  
So that you are so fortified against our story  
Of the dreadful beast in all it’s terrible glory.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Well, sit we down and drink.  
And let us hear Alice speak of this which torment her sleep.

And mine.

ALICE

Last night of all,  
I had bad dreams of that I’m sure  
Had some course of magic to bare,  
Of dreams created by Julia Donaldson,  
And as one, the Gruffalo did appear.

Enter Ghost (dressed as the Gruffalo)

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Hark! Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again! ‘tis oh shit.

ALICE

In the same figure, like the Gruffalo. As in my dreams.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

My eyes do deceive me, thou art a scholar; speak to it, Apocalypse Daddy.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Looks it not like the Gruffalo? But it has eyes like rage.

ALICE

Most like. It harrows me with fear and wonder, how it’s turned out toes o’ yonder.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

It would be spoke to. Hark, it’s terrible teeth in terrible jaws.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Question it, APOCALYPSE DADDY!

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Not I, surely. ‘Tis you to fucking question it.

ALICE

What art thou that usurp’st this time of night Daddy,  
Together we can banish this terrible beast,  
In which the mouse trick and fool the least.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

All we need is nighttime feast. Look it is offended.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

See, it stalks away!

ALICE

Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Don’t encourage it Alice.

Exit Ghost (dressed as the Gruffalo)

APOCALYPSE DADDY

‘Tis gone, and will not answer.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

How now, Haribo! you tremble and look pale:  
Is not this something more than fantasy?  
What think you on this terrible tale?

ALICE

Before my King I might not this grieve,  
His orange eyes and black tongue.  
His favourite story is make believe.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Is it not like a fairytale?

ALICE

As thou art to thyself?  
I will go to bed if you read me one more story.  
And cake, biscuits and chocolate.  
Can I have some before bed?

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Enough, tis time for bed. No midnight snack, no more songs, no more stories, nor cake.

ALICE

But why Daddy? Why oh why? Did you not see before your eyes,  
The same thing as I? Just one more song, one more story? Otherwise I cry.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

Right, this really is it. Good now, sit down, and I will tell thee,  
What I know. I fear you take advantage.  
Was this ghost, you speak of really so?  
And why here? Why now, upon these castle walls?

ALICE

One more song, and then I promise, That can I;  
I will sleep and not shout your name through night.  
Whose image even but now appear’d to us, MOMMY, DADDY!

APOCALYPSE DADDY

I think I have had enough of this,  
Tis half past the witching hour and still you insist,  
You can’t eat fruit or cake or drink;  
Just go to bed. FFS

ALICE

A teddy is in trouble in the mind’s eye.  
In the most high and palmy state of Rome,  
A little ere the mightiest Peter Rabbit fell,  
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:  
Twinkle twinkle little star,  
How I wonder what you are.  
Up above the world so high,  
Like Julius Ceasar up in the sky;  
And even the like Peppa Pig events,  
As harbingers preceding still the fates  
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!

Re-enter Ghost

FFS the ghost is back.

alarm clock crows

NO MORE STORY, NO MORE FOOD, NO MORE SWEETS.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Shall I strike at it with my tennis racket?

ALICE

No, tis merely the Gruffalo.

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

‘Tis here!

ALICE

‘Tis here!

APOCALYPSE DADDY

‘Tis gone!

Exit Ghost

ALICE

It was about to speak, when the alarm clock crew.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Tis three oclock in the morning,  
Tis I the only one still yawning?

APOCALYPSE MOMMY

I’m done.

ALICE

My work is done.

APOCALYPSE DADDY

Your work is done?  
You wait until tomorrow, in three hours you will be sorry.

ALICE

No Daddy, you will be tired.

Exeunt


End file.
